fancytoy.net

{ feeling : horribly sad
{ hearing : the simpsons on fox

I wonder when my parents will run out of "nice" ways to say, "Diona, you are a selfish fuck-up. You should have listened to us and just went into school for the money. Money equals happiness! Your interests don't equal money thus does not equal happiness! Why don't you at least try to listen to us right now because we are always right and you are just a fuck-up so you are always wrong."

Constant disappointment right here! Constant.

Yes, I know they tell me things for my own good. Yes, I know they are worried about me and want me to succeed but when they mutter things behind my back thinking I don't hear or understand it? Or when they are still confused on what my degree is for? Or when they don't even ask to see or want to see any work I've done? I don't even know anymore.

This is so high school. I thought I would be done with this but I guess not. Fail.

In other news, we found a condo but if you couldn't guess, it's probably not going to happen after about two or three months of waiting and searching. Also, IMAX has been reducing hours for everyone significantly for the past few weeks. This week, I don't even have twenty hours. A second job would be good but all my attempts at jobs so far have been ruined by my inability to stand out at the actual interview.

In short ...

Shirt is care of Pictures for Sad Children. The hoodie version is pretty fantastic.

{ feeling : sickish
{ hearing : keri hilson ft. kanye west & ne-yo – knock you down

I said something dumb earlier and Joe corrected me but the gist of it was that I was trying to say Kanye West is the Lil’ Wayne of 2009.

I think I said T-Pain for some reason and he said Lady GaGa is the T-Pain of 2009.

Anyways, Kanye! I’m pretty sure that part is true just because when we’re sitting in the car, every other song that comes up features him just like how Lil’ Wayne had the same thing going on last year-ish. Not mainly him, featuring him. Hey, I ain’t complaining. I’m in that group that loves him, not the one who needlessly hates him.

Why Kanye has to be my writing prompt two entries in a row? I have no idea.

So, graduating feels like nothing new. It feels like every summer since graduating from high school … And I guess every summer before that graduation from high school, har.

This is probably why I haven’t written since.

Basically, I’ve been in Chicago. I haven’t spent a summer in Tokyo. I haven’t gone skiing. I haven’t gone on a group picnic or wedding. I haven’t gone to Rome or indulged in Apple products or downtown apartments. I don’t like large social situations or drinking so you bet I haven’t been out in the club. I love Chicago and all its ups and downs so I haven’t even been complaining about weather, transit, and the Olympic issue.

I’ve been working and being broke. Whining about my personal issues, not the city’s. I was working pretty damned frequent to cure the broke but then my hours were severely cut due to tight budgets that have lasted seemingly the entire 2.5 years I’ve been at IMAX, Chicago. Now it’s more like … Working a little, searching for jobs that don’t exist due to massive hiring freezes, reading a little, gaming a little … And a little Maury, Cheaters, and every other trash TV show in between.

It’s been slow. I feel like if I come back here, I should have something worth mentioning but so far, nothing.

I finished my first Chuck Palahniuk yesterday? Only me would be pretty proud of finishing a book this week. Fuck it, books are awesome. I’m going to make it so I finish a book or two or three a week. Started a book called Hairstyles of the Damned today by a guy named Joe Meno who I realized only today lives in Chicago and actually works at Columbia as a creative writing professor. Small world, har.

{ feeling : tired
{ hearing : wgn stuff

Ok, not exactly the same place but definitely the same place?

Not much right now to update with. What I learned though is basically, my printmaking teacher doesn’t care about my problems but has the skill of making the phrase “Life is hard. Tough shit,” sound longer and nicer than it actually is.

It wasn’t so much nice as it was lacking of sympathy. He acknowledged this and fully acted as such when he was completely devoid of emotion as I started to cry right in front of him. That’s ok, it only took me two to three hours to grow the balls to actually address my concerns to him in the first place.

Life is hard! Tough shit!

Three more weeks of it and I’ll be done. My portfolio is near done but lacking photo documentation of packaging work. Who knows if I’ll have that done any time soon.

I’m slowly but surely getting things done. My typeface is pretty much done; I am just going to do a couple more rounds of kerning.

Kerning is the process of adjusting letter spacing in a proportional font. That is what Wikipedia says. I think it sounds about right.

I’m both excited for free time but scared about my future because I lack one beyond IMAX at this point. The economy is fail. I was talking to my coworker about this. As much as we’d love to get out of this lovely world that revolves around our singular six story screen, and we are easily replaceable. Moving on to better things is easier said than done.

I wonder how you can differentiate swine flu with a normal cold.

Life is hard! Tough shit!

{ feeling : useless & lazy
{ hearing : planter’s nuts commercial?

I love how in the beginning of the year, I was determined to write more in this here blog but then when you look at my archives, it just slowly deteriorates by month. It’s called life! Who knew I sort of had one? I sure in hell didn’t!

What’s new? I’m on break but it was only three days which are over. I’m nonstop again until graduation May 16. AND that’s only if I pass everything … AND if remain in some sorta good health. But I feel like I suck at everything I do this semester so, yup! Who knows if I’ll be ok grade-wise. Either way, my future scares the living hell out of me.

Any good news? Well, this is sort of good and bad news but I got Grand Theft Auto: Chinatown Wars the other day. It was nice to spend money on non-art supplies but then I’m always reminded of my seemingly perpetual lack of the money for non-art supplies. The game is great fun don’t get me wrong but this doesn’t help with getting things done or saving money. What do I have to do? Projects for school, projects for people, and my pity of a portfolio. Sad times.

STRESS! OMG!

So, I applied to two joints and got rejected by one because I was aiming too high. I’m not sure where to go next. Economy is bad. I’m not good enough for fancy art and design standards, etc. IMAX? Who’s still technically getting paid minimum wage after two plus years of hard loyal work? Right here. I do not know my career and am semi-overworked by stuff! Yay! I don’t know how to blog! Twitter confuses me! Maybe it makes sense! I don’t know!

I guess I should sleep. Another day of waking up before everyone else in my age group.

{ feeling : irritated
{ hearing : conference calls!

Every single time Facebook changes, it is whined about but forgotten after a week or so of use. This is annoying as all fuck every single change.

After hearing the word “Change” for like two years for the guy who is now our president, people seem to hate it a lot even when done to something as insignificant as Facebook. Get over it.

I’m fine with the layout. I don’t think it quote “threw-up”. It’s not that far from what it was before. Y’all are a bunch of whiners … When the next one comes along, you’ll wish for this one back. You always do.

{ feeling : depressed
{ hearing : myself typing on the keyboard
 
Whoever knows me pretty darned well, knows I have a pretty weird but generally terrible relationship with my parents. Apparently since the beginning of time, I have always been an utter disappointment and rebel to them so they yell at me. Mostly the mom but yeah, they pretty much feel they have a right to do that so why not?
 
My reaction though, is pretty much to yell back. This is what makes me a terrible human being. There is my terrible secret but not such a secret: I yell at my parents.
 
That’s weird to picture, ain’t it? Me yelling.

... ... ... Moving on.

{ feeling : disappointed
{ hearing : rhymefest – more
 
Here I am always sensing my parents’ disappointment in me but I just find it right back to them. Bah, who am I kidding, I’m going to always be the bigger disappointment. Sorry in advanced to the boyfriend for another upset/sad entry. I’m always blogging when I’m sad. I don’t know.
 
Anyways, my dad has a serious spending problem and he doesn’t want to hear it. He finds joy in dropping massive amounts of cash on a singular item. It’s just funny, too. My mom goes on about the greed and shallowness of most individuals of Asian decent. They only care about the brand and being on top. Who cares about price?
 
I think that’s a lot of people but that’s what she says.
 
But yes, she married my dad. My dad is a classic case of a Filipino man who wants to be above the rest even in technology he doesn’t fully understand
 
While a normal person would be happy to adopt another 47” flat screen (yes, another) into their house but when a family of six are living in our one bedroom basement and people are losing jobs and money all around, I just can’t help but feel bad about it.
 
It’s like any complaints are basically, “WHO’S PAYING FOR YOUR TUITION?” so maybe I should back off of judgement. Normally, my mom would be backing me on it because she’s the one who instilled these ideas in me but yeah, she basically said she gives up. Maybe my dad can single-handedly fix the economy. I kid.
 
I’m so judgmental. I do have stuff I don’t need … But I guess all I’m saying is that I’m still content with my 14” analog television set sitting in my room. I don’t have my converter yet but it’s ok. I don’t really care about brands. As long as it fits, I’m pretty pleased. Oh well, me, my itty bitty TV, and $3 tanks will be gone soon enough. It’s ok. Also, Kid, You’ll Move Mountains CD release at the Metro tonight?

{ feeling : sad
{ hearing : some scene from lethal weapon 4, i believe?
 
It’s weird that I am blogging. What’s not so weird is that I’m in one extreme emotion. I’m just saying that that usually happens when I blog.
 
So what I should be really thinking about right now is that I may actually have a chance at this graphic design industry. I got an internship at the Metro Chicago YMCA past week and a half or so ago. It’s pretty neat. I get to work with the marketing department with making sure the brand is consistent throughout the city as well as make neat newsletters! Not too much but I still dig it. Everyone’s been really nice so far. Less money but it’s ok. I’m always broke anyways.
 
I mean actual broke. Not, I still-can-buy-a-few-dozen-Abercrombie & Fitch-tops-as-well-as-a-$1,500-Apple-Laptop-and-maybe-even-an-iPhone, broke. Ok, I shuddup …
 
Anyways, instead of being happy about my internship, I’m sad. Why? Because I’m always sad. Wait. I found something that made me feel better.
 

 
Still kind of sad. Same shit, if you must know. Awkward. Creepy. Clingy. Scared. Tired. Etc. Psych is a good show. When that scene came on, I totally saw it a dozen more times. So fun.
 
Ok, time for bed. It’s been a very unproductive evening. Who still has projects to do? I do!

{ feeling : annoyed
{ hearing : giant drag – kevin is gay
 
Stop bugging me to join groups that reinstate the old Facebook. Remember the days when the old Facebook was the new Facebook that was just as much hated as this new Facebook? Uh, yeah … Get over it.

{ feeling : amused
{ hearing : air conditioning
 
I dig when bratty suburban kids get kicked off the train because they were being bratty suburban kids. I’m sorry, “Young Adults” … Technically they are 13 to 17.
 
No offense but most suburban kids I encounter have no sort of respect towards people around them so I have no respect towards them. I see them every where around downtown nowadays cause hey, it’s summer … Not much to do but be jerks to people downtown, y’know?
 
School is over, I get to see more of them until it starts up again. So I get annoyed! Maybe I’m just jealous of the tween asking me, “Um, like, do you take Amex?” Nah… I’m mostly annoyed of the fact I’m not allowed to shoot her. I’d probably get fired for such shenanigans.

{ feeling : not clean
{ hearing : save big money at menards!
 
So after a gazillion years, I went to my first Pride Parade this weekend. Yes, it is a shame because as much as it didn’t go that great, I was head of the GSA at Northside for a year even though I mostly was a sideline person and not so much the participant person.
 
I did go to a GLSEN thing though? Yay?
Me does not equal social butterfly.
 
I also managed to watch WALL-E this weekend. It made me happy so I liked it a lot. Pixar usually make me pretty content with life. I was told it was predictable but I think I’m probably just easily entertained. It’s the reason I would probably never be completely into the people at Columbia.
 
Being at an art school, I’m always told to give more. That’s all they want: more. Basically, everything has to analyzed to the fullest. Every little thing done in your work has to have a reason behind it. The statement, “I did it because I liked it,” doesn’t fly … Usually.
 
Everything is judged and dissected. Um, I don’t do that. I can’t do that. I do things cause I like it or it looks good or just works. There’s no philosophical meaning behind it. I’m one of those people who don’t care if a piece is “cliched”. If it’s well executed, why not like it? I’m not into the symbolism and reasoning behind every component … THING.
 
In other words, Me and You and Everyone We Know brought me no sort of pleasure whatsoever.

{ feeling : sick
{ hearing : girl talk – still here
 
My past makes me want to cease to exist all the time. Moving on, of all the people I run see at a Hood Internet show, another reason I dwell on my inadequacies and self-loathing.

“… i most definitely don’t have to worry whether or not diona is happy and entertained. sometimes i think that’s all her friends were to her. i hope northside leave her now instead of making the same mistake as me and staying with a total bitch like her. she doesn’t care and now i don’t either.”
- Her, Jan/Feb 2002

 
Wow, that’s from years ago. Why I have that still is because I am a dork pack rat. Facebook usually has something more updated. Yes, I wander Facebooks’ of people I haven’t seen in years just because. I guess there’s no redemption in such a statement but whatever. Moving onto about 11:30pm tonight?
 

“There is a girl from my grade school here. It comforts me to know she’s still fat and obnoxious trash”
- Her, June 19, 2008

 
I’m not really sure how to feel about it. Reassure her that I’m aware of my obese, pathetic state and that my only real tie with a person be my boyfriend? Pity fit? Be sorry? I always am. Be angry about it? Be sad about it? Truths. They hurt.
 
Thing about my past is that I hate it (as said). I was a spoiled brat early on. I was pretty much a brat in school. Brat turned awkward. Awkward turned brat and eventually to now where I try not to do anything that gets me back to brat. Granted, I mooch off of Joe like a mofo but I try to repay as much as can. I feel unworthy of it as well sometimes … I don’t know. It’s a weird situation.
 
Thing about my past. Any of it … Is that I try my best to focus on the good that came from it. I guess it’s selfish of me to focus on the “entertained” portion of past relationships.
 
I can dwell on the negative as much as I want (and I have) but it gets me nowhere. Just angry, stressed, wanting to be on Zoloft for another few months.
 
The thing about this girl is that I really cared about her even though as a brat, I guess it didn’t show much. What would I rather think of when thinking about this girl: singing along to The Lion King feeling really strange yet cool or being dicks to each other about something or someone that’s different now.
 
While I am still sick, I enjoyed the show as much as a girl with a coughing fit could. Free hard copies of the Hood v. Chicago, and Joe got a neat screened poster from Steve. The girl. Her name is Kate, if anyone was curious. I considered saying hi and catching up with her. Joe wanted me, too. I guess it was best that I never did. I’m just left with this undecided emotion.

{ feeling : dehydrated
{ hearing : family guy rerun on wgn
 
Wow! Spring break is almost over and I totally didn’t do anything productive! It’s weird though just because I don’t care that much I didn’t do much. I never get any time to do nothing this semester and as much as there were things I could have done, eh, I liked not doing anything.
 
I’m feeling a tad better about the rest of the semester just because we’re going to be able to work on whatever in photography and darkroom pretty soon (also the fact my photo teacher gave us more time than usual to do the next project helps a lot too).
 
I’m just worried for summer semester. I really wanted to take two to three classes but ended up only signed up for two. Basically, there’s only like three people registered for one of them and I fear they’re going to cancel the class because lack of enrollment. In addition to that, the other class filled up instantaneously so I can’t change that and take another graphic design class that I really really need.
 
I just want to graduate on time is all.

{ feeling : stressed
{ hearing : chapelle show rerun
 
Got to love how life kicks your ass when you wake up in the morning. Look what I got in my inbox!
 

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give you all a heads up on something…after talking to the dept. head I have discovered that you guys should actually be turning in 8-10 prints a week, quite a lot! So starting week 2 of movement and gesture you are going to need 6-10 prints and that will make its way up to 8-10. I know this is a lot of work. I also was told that for a three credit class you are expected to have 10-12 hours of homework a week, i hope it doesnt take that much time for you guys. :)

 
Stress prior was due to three to five prints. Thanks a lot, CCC Photography Department. I was pretty chipper in the darkroom yesterday (oddly enough) but now I feel like every moment I have to deal with this bull, I’ll be breaking down. Every moment I have to think of even less time for myself, I cry. All this work for just for this class. I work so hard now and nothing is good enough. This isn’t even my major. No class has ever made me this depressed, not even one where everyone hates everything I care about.
 
That email … How can you end some news like that with a smiley emoticon. How? How do you do that when you’re doubling workload just like that. It’s one class. I have four more to worry about. They want hours of homework too! I have to commute about fourteen hours a week. Sigh …
 
I’m tired. I want time for myself. I don’t want to do this anymore.

{ feeling : tired & overwhelmed
{ hearing : abc news rerun
 
If you are seeing my site for the first time in a while, it is because the domain had more bugs than I thought. So much so that I dropped GoDaddy completely. I was sick of trying to get it to work. I asked for help and they basically told me to do what I had been doing for weeks. Fuck it so Dreamhost is in charge of that as well.
 
So yes, my site is still buggy because I was sorting that out. I would fix it only I’m finding myself too exhausted from school and work to try.
 
I’ll try to get things good soon. If not soon, spring break. I didn’t realize how time consuming photography and darkroom was. I’m finding myself doing that more than my actual major. It pisses the hell out of me basically.
 
It’s pretty much like Broadcast Design last semester only instead of being four hours, it’s more like 14 and instead of being intimidated by a class full of illustration majors, it’s a bunch of photography majors or photography afficionados. People who know what they are doing basically. Art school is all about critique and it’s like, everyone showcases their work for the week and mine are the crappy bunch.
 
That class has just got me fucking miserable. If I did not have Seasonal Affective Disorder, being in the darkroom for 10+ hours a week has done it.
 
I miss my do nothing days. I miss playing Wii Sports and other things. I feel like I’m going to just stab everyone in darkroom one day because my frustration. Not much keeps me awake or sane besides Joe and lolcats.
 

 
I’m so prepared for spring break only at the same time, I cringe because more photography will be involved. Granted, 10 hours in darkroom will probably not be an option but I’m so sick of that shit already. It’s sad just because I enjoy photoraphy, just not this classical process of it. Every moment I spend in the darkroom, I’m just muttering to myself, “I can do this shit in Photoshop in five minutes and not five hours.”
 
Give me a digital SLR and a printer with photo paper and I’m done.

{ feeling : rushed
{ hearing : abc news at 10 (rerun)
 
So the only girl I really cared about in Top Model got booted so I’m probably not going to bother with the rest of the season. Kind of lame but I really don’t care about everyone else! The majority of the time, they treated my favourite terribly as well as were just plain bitches in comparison so, no. I usually had a secondary choice and the seasons usually work out with the winner being a pleasing human being but seriously? My secondary choice turned out to be a pretentious bitch so … The final five to me: fake, bitch, bitch, annoying, and pretentious bitch.
 
It was probably all edited to make it seem that way but eh, assuming editing continues as such, why bother watching?
 
In other news that isn’t dorky Top Model related, the writers’ strike is bad! One more episode of Heroes, two more of Ugly Betty … Probably very few or none of Gossip Girl. The Office … Nope … What do I have left? Not much! Pushing Daisies perhaps but yes, someone suggest some books for me to read while this junk get sorted out.
 
A rerun of Jimmy Kimmel reminded me how I want to go read James Lipton’s book. Is there anything else?
 
I’ll probably have too much school work considering I have two and a half weeks left and oh so many projects left. But then again, it’s two and a half weeks and lacking of my beloved TV shows. What will amuse me when the semester is over?
 
Oh yeah, I have about five games I haven’t gotten the chance to play through. That’ll do if I don’t find some decent reading material.

{ feeling : depressed
{ hearing : class banter
 
I don’t like this semester. As I go into these higher up there classes, I just find myself in deep shit in terms of getting out in the industry. I feel nothing I do is special. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to anyone, it’s hard not to when we go through these critques like second nature.
 
I’m sitting in class pretty much on the verge of tears because how terrible my shit is in comparison to everyone else’s work. I feel embarassed to show it after seeing all this good stuff. It’s like when I finished my first animation, I was so proud of myself and then I come into class where everyone is amazing at drawing and understanding this software … Everything I do is crap. Everyone else is AMAZING.
 
I hope two concerts this weekend cheers me up. I feel really shitty after the first few weeks of class … I wish I was better but I’m not. I don’t think I’ll survive out there on my own. I don’t think I’m good enough of a designer. I just hear my mom saying, “I told you so,” when I graduate with nothing special.

{ feeling : busy
{ hearing : abc 7 news replay
 
The biggest problem I’m facing this weekend:
Lupe Fiasco or Amy Winehouse

{ feeling : tired
{ hearing : some commercials on pbs?
 
For a few weeks now, I’ve been feeling especially lonely working at the IMAX. Some of it might have been due to my Aunt Flo but yeah, the feeling was there. Since the summer movie season has basically sort of started, Spider-Man 3 has hit its slow period of its run at IMAX.
 
I’m usually ok with the slow period being alone and reading a thing or two but I don’t know, I had just been feeling lonely. Maybe this certain intimacy seem to project to each other except me maybe.
 
Then there’s this hanging thought of not mattering with the fact I’ve been there for a bit of time and no evals or raises.
 
But since yesterday, general uneasiness and distrust. Complicated stuff that I told about a gazillion times already. So, long story short, coworker takes a little girl’s cell phone when she and her family were actively looking for it for half of the day. There’s more but yeah, it’s just a tricky situation that I hope gets resolved.
 
By the way, if you are wanting to go to Harry Potter when it opens at our lovely establishment, even if you were George Clooney, Johnny Depp or even Daniel Radcliffe, I’m told not to sell you tickets! Apparently we’re booked with school groups for weeks.
 
No one ever takes the offer but I’ll say it again. When (or if) that screening for me comes round, you’ll know you’ll get in (and for free, too!).

{ feeling : scared
{ hearing : thunderbirds are now! – we win (ha ha)
 
Ok! I get two guests again for screening the next IMAX film so if you don’t have anything going on at 3:00pm tomorrow, let me know via phone, email, or comment and we can go watch! Free concessions may be involved.
 
If you do not know this, the next IMAX feature is Spider-Man 3. I’m a bit behind in that because I saw much of the previous one but not all. I was told years ago that it shouldn’t matter because the second one is basically like the first only he has his mask off through more of it.
 
No one bugged me last time about prescreening 300 but I try anyways since Joe is unable to go because of work and I’ll be lonely.
 
In other news, I’m stressed again because of recent news in my art history class! For much of the week, I was content with the fact that considering next week is my last week, I didn’t have too too much worry about in my classes … final projects mostly comprised of sticking things I already have done together (except for physics which I have yet to compose an original song for AND write a paper for) but in art history, I find out that the final project which she said was extra credit last week is actually not! Whee! In addition to this, there’s a huge take-home quiz and additional little assignments that go with it! YAY.
 
Oh yes, did I mention I also have relatives from out of town coming in AND let’s go back to the beginning of the entry … Spider-Man 3 opening? The standard when a new hollywood movie comes to the theatre is additional hours for everyone … Also that all the shows are sold out.
 
I hope I won’t get too pummelled by tiny boys and comic book nerds.

{ feeling : chilly
{ hearing : random sunday morning cartoon
 
So a lot of people are on Spring Break this week. Not me though … For a girl who only has class three days a week and a week away from her own Spring Break, I’m fucking screwed. People should not go to 300 so I can get some school work done but sadly, that isn’t going to happen. I just have mountains of it.
 
Opening weekend for a Hollywood movie is always hellish. We had two months of downtime then this weekend was pretty much sold out through out.
 
I feel so terrible about yesterday since I had a good few hours to work on homework but I was too exhausted to get myself to do any of it. I actually have to get ready to head out for another completely sold out day. I actually should be ready now considering Blue Line is running a single track and when that happened last week, I was an hour late for work.
 
I guess I’ll do that, come home exhausted, and do no homework … Again. I don’t know how I’m going to survive this week.
 
Maybe things would be slightly better if my customers weren’t drunk and/or high when coming to the movie. I don’t know if people know this but they tend to range from jolly to jerky when inebriated. Mostly the latter.
 
They totally found liquor bottles around the theatre Friday evening.
 
I think maybe I’m more distracted by parents bringing their tiny children into the movie. Maybe I’m a prude or something about it. It’s just funny because I asked a parent with a maybe … five or six year-old girl with her if she was aware of the content and she pretty much said she didn’t mind the violence BUT soft-core porn shouldn’t be good. I mean … It’s ok that they murder someone just as long as they’re not a pervert, right?

{ feeling : a tad sad
{ hearing : john paul white – can’t get it out of my head
 
Making friends is so hard to do. Is there a manual that teaches me how to do such things?
 
I don’t know how I had the ability to just randomly talk to people at the beginning of high school. I’m baffled on how I managed to talk and get along with so many people in my graduating class but can’t do a single thing now.
 
I miss a lot of those people.
 
I’m just so scared now a days. I don’t know … I stumble on my words constantly, I don’t live the lifestyle of the majority, I’m not a fashion savvy, Indie music snob hipster and though mommy and daddy aren’t paying for my tuition, I’m not completely independent in my own apartment someplace. I don’t feel like I’d be able to relate to anyone anywhere.
 
I can’t really think of anything to talk about.
 
I hate how I am. Even with all those people I talked to in high school, I didn’t even manage to keep close ties with a single one.
 
Starting from scratch is hard in college.
I’m just terrible at friendship.

{ feeling : cold
{ hearing : mates of state – california
 
I think I’m probably the only human being bummed about The OC disappearing forever. This cover just highlights my sadness about the whole ordeal.
 
I haven’t blogged in forever because I lack something to blog about and I figured, maybe two people read this thing. Not a huge thing at all. I don’t really do much, you see. I pretty much hang with Joe and then carry on with work and school.
 
So the first week of classes … I’m really nervous about all of them but not at the same time. Just because I haven’t written in a while and I’m still shy as hell to talk in class. Also, I’m expected to build my own instrument and create an original song using it so I can eventually perform it in front of the class.
 
My physics professor builds guitars and such in his spare time. He says that he’ll help us with the instruments when the time comes; we just need to know what we want to build. I think I want to do either a mandolin or a banjo.
 
No new friends as usual. I guess I have Thunderbirds on Wednesday and BodyWorlds 2 to look forward to at the very least.
 
“There are only 4 more episodes left of The OC.”
 
I’m totally blaming Barbara for it canceling. If she still watched, it would have totally not been. I also blame Mischa because though I hated the bitch, everyone loved her.

{ feeling : sore
{ hearing : king of the hill
 
How are the holidays treating everyone? Good? I’ve been working for most of the time so not much to report over here. My feet hurt real bad and I got a few presents but that’s about it.
 
I do really enjoy all my presents. I got a new TV, Final Fantasy XII, a Kurt Halsey Frederiksen calendar, a Build-a-Bear Mumble, and random amounts of money. Yes … I have a Build-a-Bear Mumble and I adore it, damnit.
 
The semester is over and I’m convinced the world wants me to be friendless forever because though I’ve somewhat befriended two people, I’m not going to see them for a while. One is taking the semester off and the other was a work friend and he had to leave IMAX because of his family being in New Jersey. In addition to that, everyone I considered a friend from high school has moved on without me.
 
I suck at being a wantable human being.
 
I guess I’ll occupy myself with video games. It’s usually the only thing that makes me feel better about anything.

{ feeling : sad
{ hearing : abc news
 
So there’s this show on Tuesday evening that I can’t go to. Some of you with MySpace may or may not know but yeah … I can’t go. I could maybe but I probably shouldn’t. Joe can’t go and he’s totally my concert buddy. It’s a sad time.
 
On the bright side, I saw this boy rather close twice this summer … once on his own, once with a buddy … and considering this here town we’re in is his home, he’ll be back.
 
And anyways … Canasta twice! Heligoats, too! Um … Thunderblogs?! I lurve my Ryan Allen that I didn’t go to high school with!
 
On a side note … woxy.com will always be the future of rock and roll in my book.

{ feeling : lazy & a tad sad
{ hearing : the cosby show
 
So much for seeing Pablo and Barbara last week. The only beings I consider as close friends and I’ve seen one once this summer and then the other, absolutely none. It’s absolutely depressing that this happens especially when they’re scheduled to leave Chicago in probably a couple weeks or less. I fear they’re simply tired of my existence.
 
I’m probably too old for them.
Pablo turned legal today.
Happy Birthday, Pabloooo ..
 
I hope I make friends at Columbia. I had no real luck at UIC. Well maybe a couple but it’s not like we hang out outside of the internet. I guess it’s pretty much my fault really considering I’m still scared of becoming one of those clingy friends that no one actually cares about. Because of this, even if I were to meet people and befriend them, chances are I’m going to be too scared to call them to hang out for reals.
 
Making friends is difficult.
I sort of fail at it here,
And in my odd little game SecondLife.
 
I’m off to play Evil Genius.

{ feeling : angry
{ hearing : will & grace on a loud volume level
 
I try to refrain from ever writing about my parents because maybe I fear them finding this or more so, I fear writing something I completely regret. Mostly I don’t write since it seems like such a emo/goth/generally very annoying teenager thing to do.

... ... ... Moving on.

{ feeling : pathetic
{ hearing : gnarls barkley – crazy
 
Ok, I’m not going to force you guys to read this.

... ... ... Moving on.

{ feeling : frustrated
{ hearing : my computer breathe
 
Ok, I went to bed at 2:24AM.
My computer says it’s now 4:35AM.
The birds started chirping at 3:48AM.
 
I can’t fucking fall asleep.
I’m tired at this moment with a headache,
Wide awake as fuck.
 
No one’s on cause who the hell would be awake at this hour anywhere. I have no one to talk to. I still don’t think I could fall asleep. I have work in about five and a half more hours.
 
This always happens to me; whenever I need to wake up “early” or at a required time before noon, my body just tells me not to sleep. I’m probably going to be exhausted coming into work.
 
I’m uncomfortably hot.

{ feeling : upset
{ hearing : msi – bitches
 
So much for that gallery internship.
His reasoning: I’m too young.
Thanks, David Leigh. Thanks a bunch.
 
I need a new job that pays better and doesn’t make me feel like absolute shit. I asked at the local CVS Pharmacy since I have that odd Pharmacy Technician certificate. Alas, they aren’t in need of anyone but they sure told me to try just in case! Someone hire me, please? I need money to pay for my tuition.
 
Just wait, I’ll get baleeted by Columbia soon enough.
I feel like such a failure lately.

{ feeling : very scared
{ hearing : fox news in the morning
 
I went to bed at midnight,
I didn’t fall asleep till 1AM.
 
I woke up at 3AM,
Fell asleep again at 3:30AM.
 
I woke up again at 5:30.
 
My biology final is in about two hours.
I’m completely unprepared for it.
 
I wish I was savvy at cheating cause that’d be the only way I’d pass. Obviously, I couldn’t sleep. I just kept thinking about how I was going to fail and go through the complications of transferring to Columbia. My GPA won’t cut it if I fail this … And I’m most likely going to fail it.
 
I had a crazy hope that maybe since the final is optional, it’s not really biology related. It isn’t that bat shit insane. The professors usually post practice exams before every test as well as hold a couple review sessions. There was none of that.
 
I could only hope it wasn’t biology related.
I’m fucked. Anyone know what you’d change about Northside?
I might as well start working on that essay for Columbia.