{ feeling : pathetic
{ hearing : gnarls barkley – crazy

Ok, I’m not going to force you guys to read this.

I hate how I am. I would always gripe about those couples that are nauseating. Just individuals that only have their significant others to talk about but I find that I never blog because it seems to be the only thing going on in my life right now. It’s been about three days since I’ve seen Joe and I have not done a damn thing.

Ok, I guess I finished an adventure game, watched reruns of America’s Next Top Model, watched the rest of the current season of Degrassi: The Next Generation, watched some notable scenes from MTV’s movie awards, and wandered Snopes.com most of my evening … But did I leave the house? Did I get off my ass? Have I had any sort of human contact since seeing him on Tuesday?

No.

Everything stops when I’m not doing anything with him. It’s really pathetic. Like things are happening tomorrow because I’m seeing him tomorrow. Any other day is shit because I feel like I have nothing else.

I realize I have Pablo and Barbara but I’m still scared of even trying at a phone call or even an email. I’m scared of being clingy. I’m still under that mindset where I believe I’m not worth the time since no one makes the conscience effort to be my friend. If I’m not worth the time … Why bother trying to appear like I am. Just sorta begging for human contact …

Joe understands why I’m this way … I mean, almost twelve years of nothing else but Spike … I keep bringing that up, I should really be blaming myself for being such a whiner … but it’s fucking depressing that I live like this. Even though he acknowledges my feelings of jealousy and immense sadness whenever he’s hanging out with everyone else but me, I still feel like shit … Even more so on realizing how selfish I am. Like even yesterday upon him hanging with an old friend … They talked for hours about just about everything.

It just makes me think about whenever I’m with him, all we do is sit around silent around a video game or a movie. Just really stupid. I always feel fucking stupid in comparison to all the people he knows.

Then I just blame myself because I’m not as interesting … Not as smart … Not as well-spoken to even be able to simply connect with a human being … Any human being … just like that.

I’m just sort of blubbering like a baby right now … Turning up the Bright Eyes and not feeling like saying a word. My spurts of depression don’t make sense … Man, I’m such a teenager. I guess this is the last year I’m allowed to act as such so I might as well.