fancytoy.net

{ feeling : depressed
{ hearing : myself typing on the keyboard
 
Whoever knows me pretty darned well, knows I have a pretty weird but generally terrible relationship with my parents. Apparently since the beginning of time, I have always been an utter disappointment and rebel to them so they yell at me. Mostly the mom but yeah, they pretty much feel they have a right to do that so why not?
 
My reaction though, is pretty much to yell back. This is what makes me a terrible human being. There is my terrible secret but not such a secret: I yell at my parents.
 
That’s weird to picture, ain’t it? Me yelling.
 
I treat my parents like crap … Most on part of my yelling and not being around and not automatically being helpful … And I don’t know how to stop it or start it. I do things around the house but it’s never enough. I try to communicate but it always ends up the same.
 
Disappointed, heartbroken parents that don’t have, like everyone they know, I know, you know … a sweet, loving, obedient kid at home. And me, constantly hating myself with good reason.
 
Why do I treat my parents like crap? All they’ve done is try the best they could with me, work hard to get the stuff around me … Why am I such an asshole to them and no one else?
 
I don’t know.
 
I know all their struggles. I know all their frustrations. Maybe it’s I try to know but don’t? I generally give off anger to them because they generally give off anger to me. They frustrate me. Why does it make sense to buy shit we don’t need? Sometimes they annoy me. I learned all the computer stuff on my own, why can’t they? Their checking on me every minute may be love but it’s also annoyance. All parents do these things but why does it bother me so much?
 
But, what depresses me the most is the fact I am going to end up being the black sheep of my family. When I leave, I don’t know if I can imagine myself keeping in touch without being angry. I’d like to be about family but I don’t imagine it. What is my goddamn problem? They are my parents … They birthed me, clothed me, sheltered and fed me … I should treat them as such only I treat everyone else around me as good as possible … Just not them. I’m a broken human being.
 
I damn sound like a 12 year old emo kid. Parents just don’t understand.